The life and times of people just like you... and me.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I Stand Corrected

The fella is taking a bath. Little Miss came in to chit-chat. I motioned her out of the bathroom, explaining that The Dude needed some privacy. They both questioned, "why?"

"Because The Dude is in the bathtub, and you don't need to see his personal stuff," I explain.

The young man requests clarification, "By 'personal stuff,' do you mean genitals?"

(Can you hear my brain sizzling?)

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Easy Readers

My little fella started first grade quite adamant that he was NOT doing any reading at home. His work was limited to the classroom only!

With the support and encouragement of his teacher, our friends (and a stubborn mom), he has evolved and accepted he WILL be reading! Five months later, he is often found reading to me at bedtime.

Much to my delight, he asked me to close my eyes (after I had told him we would only had time to read ONE book). He stuffed several easy readers inside the spines of each one successively, and then read them all to me as one book. Certain he had fooled old mom, his eyes glimmered and his smile was hard to hide as he read his (rather long) Hot Wheels book to me.

Really, would you have stuck with the one book edict? He still thinks he fooled me.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

That'll Be Twenty Cents for the Surgery

Little Miss is playing doctor tonight. I was her lucky patient.

It was obvious right away this was going to be a procedure like no other. I was told before we began the eye exam, that I was going to need surgery on my arm.

"Will it hurt?" I ask.

"No," the doctor says.

"Do you promise?"

"No."

Fortunately for me, after a lot of writing in notebooks and following pens with my eyes until I felt like I'd spent the last few hours on a Tilt-a-Whirl, the surgery on my arm (which was performed with a broken old cell phone) was declared a success. I was charged twenty cents, and allowed to use the money in the doctor's own Hanna Montana container, to pay for these services.

I thanked the doctor very kindly, and was instructed to follow the path out her door.

I went the wrong way.

I heard the doctor muttering as I continued down the hall that she simply could not believe the nerve of some people...

...After all she'd done for me.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Have You Ever...?

... Accidentally put a pair of your young son's underwear in your husband's dresser drawer?

Try it sometime, accidental or not, I promise, it'll be worth it!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Cake Pops My Eye!

The kids are all about Bake Pops. In a fit of desperation to cheer my son one day, I bought a set of these pans. Actually, I had problems with the website and bought about six sets of these pans, but that's another story.

The one set of pans I did not return (children have amazing abilities to turn bright, happy eyes into sad, starving hound dog eyes in a heartbeat... it's really not cool!) has sat for months now in it's original packaging beside my desk. Sometimes someone will say "We should make Bake Pops!", and almost instantly some other event occurs and the thought evaporates like a drop of water on a super-heated sheet of metal.

I recently had the privilege of volunteering for a book fair at the kid's school and found... oh yes... an entire recipe book dedicated to Cake Pops! Dazzled by exciting photographs of delectable, child-delighting creations and otherwise completely delusional, I bought the book.



That night, I washed the Bake Pop pans. My son gasped when he realized what I'd done. I've made no promises to produce anything more than pre-washed pans at this point. No one knows of the existence of this inspiring piece of literature in our house. I'm content to keep it that way.

After working through my must-do list for the day, I sat with a cup of tea to peruse this spiral-bound, motivational speaker, and quickly realized that Cake Pops (Note the difference here - Cake Pops vs Bake Pops... apparently the cheater mom's go-to) require first baking a cake, then crumbling fresh-baked cake into a fine meal to mix with a bunch of other stuff and six million other steps to produce these divine confections.

"Set aside a couple of HOURS (!!) for the crumbling and molding process," the book states repeatedly.

Yes, and this is the point where I chuckled insanely, tucked the book back in it's dark and reclusive hiding spot, and went back to work.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Kindled Kidneys!

Bedtime discussions with my kids are the highlight of my existence! Tonight, The Dude and I conversed on a wonderfully winding path that somehow came to me trying to explain what it feels like to have a kidney infection.

I explained the burning, stinging sensations. I thought I would go over the fever and chills stuff, but forgot all about it as The Dude sought to clarify my initial descriptions.

"Why is that? Is it like your filter is on fire?"

Hmmmm... Yup! It's pretty much exactly like that!

Foul!

When we were expecting our second child, I remember a nurse asking if we planned to attend child-birth classes. Seeing in my chart this was my second child, she quickly corrected herself.

"Oh! This is your second! Well, you know everything then!"

WRONG!!

Though perhaps we didn't need a second childbirth class (I say 'perhaps', because the first one was really amusing, so it might have enough entertainment value to warrant a re-run), I've decided every family who is about to welcome their first sibling to the brood DOES need a class. What kind of class?

Conflict Mediation.

There should be a handbook, a scorecard and advice on exactly whose turn is it to play the Wii? How are television rights divvied out fairly? Who got the last cookie? Who goes to bed first?

Along with your certificate of completion, there should also be a referee's jersey and a whistle.

I'm sure a lot of newbie parents of sibs would think this was overkill... but give them anywhere from 2-6 years, and I'd put my money on the parenting coach that led this class getting a TON of fan mail and thank you letters! No returns on the whistle, either... possibly some requests for athletic cups and protective eyewear...

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

And a Prickly 'Good Morning' to You, Too!

There are few things sweeter than having your child crawl into bed to cuddle just as it is time to start the day. Having had a good sleep, then getting to wake up to sweet smelling hair and soft cheeks... there are few things comparable in my book!

So the morning started out a pleasure as my little guy crawled into bed and began burrowing his warm little body into the covers and snuggling up against me. My arms instinctively wrapped around him and pulled him close. The moment had no longevity, as my little boy quickly shuddered and "Uck!"ed his way away from me.

"ICK, Mom! Shave Your Pits!"

OK, seriously, it'd had been ONE DAY. We're not talking about any sort of gorilla underarm action here at all!

I was informed there were to be NO "Specks" of ANYTHING under my arms. None!

Talk about a double standard! Does he ever talk to his dad that way???

Profanity Expansion

Autumn has learned the power of profanity. Actually, maybe Autumn has learned the power of INFLECTION.

Little Miss's bunny was behaving rather poorly. She simply would not be calm and quiet in the Little Miss's arms like a good little baby should be! Little Miss tried to laugh and soothe her way through it, but the bunny/baby was not complying. Soon we were into disciplinary action and threats, to which the bunny also was not responding. Just as even the best mother's find the end of their ropes, Little Miss was exploring the end of hers.

What happens when a mom gets fed up? Sometimes shouting, sometimes swearing! Here's what Little Miss resorted to:

"You need to settle down, you stupid Jackrabbit!"

I'm glad "Jack" has been deemed the most powerful aspect of that particular profanity...