Doubt

So much doubt. So much confusion and mistrust. My path is not the same as most, it seems. I haven't been a nine-to-fiver for years, and it seems that world... either doesn't want me or I just am not right for it... I don't know. I can't imagine being gone all day, full time, from my home. Not yet. As I watch my family sit, plugged in to their video games and devices, I know what I would come home to.

Everything I currently try to accomplish during the day — still waiting for me.

Common belief is that I do not make enough money. Not everyone believes in budgeting or self-restraint. Some want the easy way - the 'just throw more money at it' way. More and more and more and more money and the problem is - when you keep throwing money at a bottomless pit, you never do fill it.

So following the path I am on is not easy for me. I do what I love, but part of it has to be done while the kids are home - after school - and very little is accomplished while I am gone. The kids will complete chores that I designate for them while I am away (at least they did last week - that was the first time I asked!), but nothing gets done that I don't outline. If this house is a ship, it seems I do not have a first mate.

And it's a total crapshoot - this yoga thing! This is crazy. Totally crazy. You can't count on people to dedicate themselves to class. How on earth do you expect this to be a living? I doubt it is even possible. I think I need a "real job."

The Real Job I have pays nothing, and aside from yoga, the real jobs I want are nowhere near here... and I'm so outdated... I doubt I can get them anyway.

Doubt. So much doubt...

You don't have to be cruel to be kind.

While Autism rates are climbing, there are still many who have not had a whole lot of interaction with people in this community. It is a spectrum, for sure. One thing to remember is that a BIG piece of the Autistic mind lies in social misunderstanding. Autistics can miss so many social cues... but you know what? Their loved ones don't.

So, if you befriend someone on the spectrum, get ready to be honest. I mean HONEST. Because sometimes they will love you too much. Sometimes, they won't love you enough. They may say things that don't come out the way they intend, and sound really funny or maybe really hurtful. Sometimes language skills are not on par with yours.

Your friend may not smell good all of the time. Showering may not be important to them. They may not take care of their hair the way you wish they would. They may not know how, or it may feel painful to them to manage it. They may not have much fashion sense. Maybe you don't like the things they are still fascinated by. Let me just tell you here, that your feelings are OK. People change.

Here's the thing: you can be a HUGE help. If this is your peer and that person really admires you, take some time and tell and/or show them what it takes to get that gorgeous hair. If they don't smell so good, you can say so. A good friend would. You don't have to be mean, but you could ask "did you remember to use deodorant today?" If the friend says they forgot, you might say "I like when you remember to use deodorant, you always smell great when you do!"

Let me tell you what doesn't help. Ignoring doesn't help. Vanishing from their side without any explanation doesn't help. I get wanting to run away. I get not wanting to say things that might hurt someone else. But guess what? Your friend may not ever realize you need a break, or even that something is wrong and if they do, they may not be able to accept it without your help. Many Autistics focus with high intensity on an incredibly limited number of things. It is hard to be in that spotlight all of the time. If you are, realize that you are likely on a pedestal. You can do no wrong, even if the way you are treating your friend really isn't right. Other people may even try to point out that what you are doing probably means an end to the relationship, but that information will hit a brick wall.

This post is solely about my experience. It is written with a lot of love. Not all experiences will be like mine. So if you are Autistic and reading this and NONE of this describes you, I understand. Your friends will never need this insight, but others will. I hope this is helpful.

Humanasana

It would seem the time has come to be a yoga teacher. Ready or not... 

The teaching is the joy. The business is the fear. 

For today, let's focus on the Ode to Joy!

Checking the Grip

Have Faith in the Plan.
One must always have faith in the plan, even when the plan seems askew, or illogical.

People have a tendency to cling tightly to their plans. The internal compass points North, and we endeavor to remain trained on that mark. We hold fast to the direction, and in this day and age, seem duty bound to speed to our destinations.

Why?

What is the hurry?

Is it because the only way we are going to find real rest, true peace, is to lay lifeless in a box?
I actually do think that sometimes. No kidding, when I die, FINALLY... there will be no more rounds of kitchen cleaning, no more endless laundry. Why did I ever think...?

I didn't.

When I became a wife and mother, I did not picture that my life would be an infinite cycle of dishes and laundry. I didn't know "Mother" equals "Servant." I didn't know that when you possess the only mature vagina in a household, you are expected to do everything no one else wants to... because it is important they get their requisite television viewing and vegging out time.

I didn't know being a wife and mother meant being a dumpster.

My true North still exists, and this... loop... I am in, just isn't it.

Photo Credit: Becky Ivett (Beautiful Life Images)

I've been thinking today about Holding the Reins. Like riding a horse, or steering anything with two hands, really. You can relax your grip without letting go of the direction, right? When you relax, you are called to trust more. Relaxing allows for the possibility of the path changing. It means you may see things you wouldn't have otherwise.

However, if you drop a rein, you may spend a bit of time going in circles.

Like, endless loops...

Up and Over

I'm no marathoner. I'm not a flashy yogini. I like to do a lot of things, and I am mostly average or slightly below par in most of them.

I've learned to run. I'm not fast. For me, being able to run 3-5 miles without losing my breath is a BIG deal! I couldn't do that as a teenager. With age, I've learned about pacing. With time, I've learned the value of intentions.

There've been a lot of "I" statements in this post so far. Not all of this is about me. Some of it is about YOU.

You who struggle.

You who have bad days.

You who ask for prayers.

You who keep fighting - though your income has dipped or your relationship falters...

Yep. Some of my running is for you.

Up and over this hill. Not a steep incline. A gradual one. One that on hot or particularly blustery days, can seem endless.

When I know you are struggling, I take you with me.

I call to you, "C'mon! C'mon! Don't you see the top? Let's get it!"

I take the boy who beat cancer and the one who's almost there on every climb. Sometimes, I take the wife of a police officer, or the single mom, or the single dad. Lately I've added the drug addicts and their families. Sometimes I take a whole farm (and all the farms!) with me. Sometimes I take the teachers, the administrators, the aides of special needs kids, the special needs kids, my kids, my family... the dog I saw that came up missing (I sometimes figure my dog, Storm, has that one's back on that particular outing).

There's a whole team at my back and do you know what?

WE make it over this hill EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Believe me. You were there. Did you feel it? I always ask on the way back down. I hope you feel as empowered as I do. You see, I needed you, as much as you needed me.

That's the point.

Ridiculous

Do you think?
If it were your child bearing that label, would you be so quick to use it describe every negative thing in your life?

Ankles, Tendons and Heels, OH MY!

This has not made it into my blog, so could be a long story, but I guess I will just jump right into the middle. Yoga really brought me into a healthier state of being - mentally and physically. Yoga acted as a gateway to wanting to be and feel healthier, happier, fitter, all of the time, in every way.

Indoor yoga made me want to take yoga outdoors. Outdoor yoga made me want to take walks outside… walking led to running. Slow running led to faster running…

Faster running led to re-injuring my ankle, re-igniting plantar fasciitis, and igniting Achilles Tendonitis.

I was yoga-ing less, and feeling the burn much more!

Now, for real, I'm a flexible person. I have had a very hard time with understanding what this pose was actually supposed to do. That's where I was, on the floor, exploring this pose, and asking myself 'what is this pose even about?'
Then….

*POP!*

My toes tingled, something felt different… No Way, right? Not after months of rehab, strength and all of these therapies, right?

Yep. The answer was (and continues to be) Half Happy Baby Pose.
I do this pose daily and sometimes several times a day to keep whatever that-thing-is-in-the-back-of-my-leg where it is supposed to be.
Now, there is still work and healing to be done. My heel still feels bruised sometimes. I have to rest and keep re-aliging with this pose. The thing I have learned, though, is that no matter where my healthy living intentions and habits take me, I cannot ever leave my yoga practice.

Namaste ;-)

Do Just What You Need

Being self-sacrificing is not noble, it is wasteful.
In time, you will waste away to someone you do not even realize.
You will forget who you were, what you like, what you did…
before you started giving everything to everyone else!

Am I saying you should do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it?
No.
I'm saying, you must tune in to you, and do just what you need.

You do not need to spend money on frivolous things. You need to listen.

Simple, healthy, happy 

If there is one thing yoga has taught me, it is to listen, to myself and also to others.
When you first start listening to yourself, you might hear a lot of noise.
If you do, it's probably because you haven't listened to yourself in a long while!

When all of that is sifted out, you will hear what you really need.
It's probably not what you think.
I really, truly, and willing to bet you will be surprised.

Wanna  know what my soul needed today?
It's not a winning lottery ticket, or a vacation, or a new house…

It's hot water with an orange slice in an attractive mug.
Yep, kid you not!

So guess what? I took five minutes to make that.
Is it decadent? No.
Does it feel like a treat? Yes.
Do I deserve it? Absolutely!
Do I need it? Actually, yes! We all need more water.

If I hadn't really listened - I would have gone for chocolate, or something more decadent.
Maybe I would have thought I needed more clothes, or more music… or something.
But I know I need nice water. And a happy slice of citrus - I'd like my hydration with some sunshine, please.

What do you need? What will soothe your soul? What makes you feel nourished, loved, and cared for?
Listen carefully.

The Perfection in "Imperfection"

This post is about the transgender community.

If you are sick of reading about it, shuffle on.
If reading about anything that isn't your opinion will inflame you, please don't waste your time here.

This is my thought. It could be a wrong thought, I don't know. I'm just putting it here for others to consider. I don't think I can be convinced of anything aside from this just yet.

I can understand what it is to feel like you are one thing on the inside, and something different on the outside. It makes sense! We are all on that journey in some way or another: to try to find inner peace and achieve some sense of balance in our lives.

Those that comprise the transgender community are faced with this challenge at the highest level. What makes it worse, I think, is that we live in a society that makes it seem as though you must be one gender or the other.

My question is… Why?

Why?

If you feel one gender internally and physically express the opposite gender - what if you worked to embrace and incorporate both?

Wouldn't that be beautiful?

What if you aren't "trapped?" What if you simply and beautifully contain ALL?

What if you are ALL - ALL in one body, mind and spirit?

The amount of surgery and trauma these forms are sometimes choosing to undergo in order to conform to one gender or the other truly concerns me. When people go through multiple procedures to change their appearance for aesthetic reasons, we wonder if they have body dysmorphic disorder. The health implications  — both short and long term — are frightening. If society simply embraced people who embody both genders, would our transgender people still feel compelled to subject themselves to these of multiple, intense, elective procedures?

Perhaps we won't know until there is acceptance. Societal acceptance AND personal acceptance.

Isn't that what we are ALL after?

The Despair from the Compare

"I don't know why other people complain about blue fuzzy socks. I happen to love blue fuzzy socks and I intend to enjoy them every day!" Does anyone else get a little twinge when they hear or read statements such as this?

Are you reading between the lines here?
The implied "because I am a fantastic person and I am going to make you believe it by running down anyone and their brother who might have an alternate viewpoint."
You see, because if the fictional quoted person weren't having such huge self esteem issues, they'd simply say "I love fuzzy blue socks and I intend to enjoy them every day!"
You don't need to be better than anyone else to be great.
It's just not the point.
The point is to be the best YOU possible.
Not a YOU that is better than THEM.
And FYI? THEY are pretty great too. They may not think like you, they may struggle… and that may very well be exactly what makes them great.

You Don't Need to Complete Me.

Remember this moment? This moment in this movie when this hot guy whose been a total jerk has his come to mama moment and realizes he isn't complete without his lady love?

I've decided this is a giant load of crap.

You do not need another human to complete you. You first need to be a whole and complete human yourself — a standalone — and then you find the connections that compliment you. Notice I said "connections," because I don't think your spouse needs to be your best friend either.

Wouldn't it stink to find out you completed a shallow, selfish fool?

No thanks!

Why fuse, when you can simply pair nicely?

Choices

There are loads of people in the world who make bad choices. That would actually be all of us at one time or another. The wiser of us quickly realize our bad choices can really hurt other people and we try not to make them. Sometimes it is easier to make bad choices when the victim will be some faceless person you are not likely to ever encounter.

Today, I am that faceless person.

The choice someone made wasn't deadly, just stupid and thoughtless. As I cleaned up their mess, I realized how lacking in care this person (or judging by the size of the mess, four people) actually must be. So, to the person or people who made me choose road cleanup instead of a relaxing cool-down walk after my jog, I offer the next few words.

MAKE BETTER CHOICES

1. Smoking kills. Both Marlboro and Seneca will cause the same result. I hope you weren't arguing on my favorite road about which brand is better. They are both equally toxic.
2. So does McDonald's, Wendy's and Burger King — where I see by your receipt you spent $11 and got some change that you didn't manage to toss out your window. What? No tip for the clean-up crew?
3. Pepsi will increase your chances of becoming diabetic (and a host of other things), ah yes, perhaps this is my five-cent tip?

Clearly, you must be in pretty bad shape, as it was too much effort to find a trash can within which to dispose of your crap. Perhaps your poor choices are caused by lack of oxygen to the brain from all the fast food and smoking. Maybe you should consult your doctor. A nice regime of healthy eating and walking might cure a lot of your ails, and give you time to notice how ugly litter looks along the side of a beautiful dirt road.

In the mean time, you are welcome. Oh, and uh, good luck with those scratch-off lottery tickets. Maybe if you win, you will be able to afford trash service.