The life and times of people just like you... and me.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

You don't have to be cruel to be kind.

While Autism rates are climbing, there are still many who have not had a whole lot of interaction with people in this community. It is a spectrum, for sure. One thing to remember is that a BIG piece of the Autistic mind lies in social misunderstanding. Autistics can miss so many social cues... but you know what? Their loved ones don't.

So, if you befriend someone on the spectrum, get ready to be honest. I mean HONEST. Because sometimes they will love you too much. Sometimes, they won't love you enough. They may say things that don't come out the way they intend, and sound really funny or maybe really hurtful. Sometimes language skills are not on par with yours.

Your friend may not smell good all of the time. Showering may not be important to them. They may not take care of their hair the way you wish they would. They may not know how, or it may feel painful to them to manage it. They may not have much fashion sense. Maybe you don't like the things they are still fascinated by. Let me just tell you here, that your feelings are OK. People change.

Here's the thing: you can be a HUGE help. If this is your peer and that person really admires you, take some time and tell and/or show them what it takes to get that gorgeous hair. If they don't smell so good, you can say so. A good friend would. You don't have to be mean, but you could ask "did you remember to use deodorant today?" If the friend says they forgot, you might say "I like when you remember to use deodorant, you always smell great when you do!"

Let me tell you what doesn't help. Ignoring doesn't help. Vanishing from their side without any explanation doesn't help. I get wanting to run away. I get not wanting to say things that might hurt someone else. But guess what? Your friend may not ever realize you need a break, or even that something is wrong and if they do, they may not be able to accept it without your help. Many Autistics focus with high intensity on an incredibly limited number of things. It is hard to be in that spotlight all of the time. If you are, realize that you are likely on a pedestal. You can do no wrong, even if the way you are treating your friend really isn't right. Other people may even try to point out that what you are doing probably means an end to the relationship, but that information will hit a brick wall.

This post is solely about my experience. It is written with a lot of love. Not all experiences will be like mine. So if you are Autistic and reading this and NONE of this describes you, I understand. Your friends will never need this insight, but others will. I hope this is helpful.

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