Days of the Week

Do you know the song? I think it's to the tune of the Addams Family. "There's Sunday and there's Monday, there's Tuesday and there's Wednesday, there's Thursday and there's Friday, and then there's Saturday. Days of the Week *clap! clap!*

Getting kids to do chores... is a chore!

There are countless studies and articles that proclaim the value in getting kids to do housework. I don't doubt it - and not only is it good for their development... sheesh! Duh - who wants to do all of the chores?? I would really like more time to make Savasana Socks!

I was vacuuming this morning and it occurred to me to assign chores by the days of the week. You know how there's #ThrowbackThursday on social media? What if there's More on the Floor Monday? You'd pick up anything on the floor that day! Now I have to think of the rest of them.
Maybe it's Trash Tuesday. So you'd get all the trash out of your rooms, backpacks... take out the trash!
What about Wednesday? Windows! And I have the perfect cloths and enough for both kids to tackle this project with just the cloth and water!
Thursday? Tabletops?
What about Friday?
Saturday?
Sunday is Sunday Fun Day for sure!

This post will evolve, it's a goal! If you have some ideas for my remaining days, please leave them in the comments.

Doubt

So much doubt. So much confusion and mistrust. My path is not the same as most, it seems. I haven't been a nine-to-fiver for years, and it seems that world... either doesn't want me or I just am not right for it... I don't know. I can't imagine being gone all day, full time, from my home. Not yet. As I watch my family sit, plugged in to their video games and devices, I know what I would come home to.

Everything I currently try to accomplish during the day — still waiting for me.

Common belief is that I do not make enough money. Not everyone believes in budgeting or self-restraint. Some want the easy way - the 'just throw more money at it' way. More and more and more and more money and the problem is - when you keep throwing money at a bottomless pit, you never do fill it.

So following the path I am on is not easy for me. I do what I love, but part of it has to be done while the kids are home - after school - and very little is accomplished while I am gone. The kids will complete chores that I designate for them while I am away (at least they did last week - that was the first time I asked!), but nothing gets done that I don't outline. If this house is a ship, it seems I do not have a first mate.

And it's a total crapshoot - this yoga thing! This is crazy. Totally crazy. You can't count on people to dedicate themselves to class. How on earth do you expect this to be a living? I doubt it is even possible. I think I need a "real job."

The Real Job I have pays nothing, and aside from yoga, the real jobs I want are nowhere near here... and I'm so outdated... I doubt I can get them anyway.

Doubt. So much doubt...

You don't have to be cruel to be kind.

While Autism rates are climbing, there are still many who have not had a whole lot of interaction with people in this community. It is a spectrum, for sure. One thing to remember is that a BIG piece of the Autistic mind lies in social misunderstanding. Autistics can miss so many social cues... but you know what? Their loved ones don't.

So, if you befriend someone on the spectrum, get ready to be honest. I mean HONEST. Because sometimes they will love you too much. Sometimes, they won't love you enough. They may say things that don't come out the way they intend, and sound really funny or maybe really hurtful. Sometimes language skills are not on par with yours.

Your friend may not smell good all of the time. Showering may not be important to them. They may not take care of their hair the way you wish they would. They may not know how, or it may feel painful to them to manage it. They may not have much fashion sense. Maybe you don't like the things they are still fascinated by. Let me just tell you here, that your feelings are OK. People change.

Here's the thing: you can be a HUGE help. If this is your peer and that person really admires you, take some time and tell and/or show them what it takes to get that gorgeous hair. If they don't smell so good, you can say so. A good friend would. You don't have to be mean, but you could ask "did you remember to use deodorant today?" If the friend says they forgot, you might say "I like when you remember to use deodorant, you always smell great when you do!"

Let me tell you what doesn't help. Ignoring doesn't help. Vanishing from their side without any explanation doesn't help. I get wanting to run away. I get not wanting to say things that might hurt someone else. But guess what? Your friend may not ever realize you need a break, or even that something is wrong and if they do, they may not be able to accept it without your help. Many Autistics focus with high intensity on an incredibly limited number of things. It is hard to be in that spotlight all of the time. If you are, realize that you are likely on a pedestal. You can do no wrong, even if the way you are treating your friend really isn't right. Other people may even try to point out that what you are doing probably means an end to the relationship, but that information will hit a brick wall.

This post is solely about my experience. It is written with a lot of love. Not all experiences will be like mine. So if you are Autistic and reading this and NONE of this describes you, I understand. Your friends will never need this insight, but others will. I hope this is helpful.

Humanasana

It would seem the time has come to be a yoga teacher. Ready or not... 

The teaching is the joy. The business is the fear. 

For today, let's focus on the Ode to Joy!

Lucy's Locket

This is a true story... mostly. 
As I peer through the glass of the present into the past, the vision has a lovely haze that softens the view into something so perfectly Rockwell... and I'm just fine with that. As for the ending, well, the ending hasn't happened yet. So in this space, it can be as I dream it. Enjoy.

A single, little stool in front of the glass counter swings from side-to-side as the wispy blonde of four upon it twists her center of gravity to and fro. Her eyes are on a thing of beauty beneath the glass: shining gold. An oval - she'd just learned the name of that shape and she loved it! Pretty swirly things all around the edges. Her dad had said that they were looking for a necklace for her mom and this... locket. He called it a locket as he spoke to the man behind the counter. When she'd pointed to it, he said he thought she'd found the perfect Christmas gift for her mom.

They were going to put her name on it. Right in the middle of all of those pretty, swirly things, it would say "Lucy." How long would it take? The grown-ups blurry words drift through her mind as she studies the shiny chain and thinks with excitement about giving it to her mom.

The ride home is about how to keep a secret. No Telling until Christmas. The year had been a difficult one for mom. Little brother's arrival had not been easy. Mom had gotten sick, and had to stay in the hospital, even though the baby had come home. She'd had to stay at grandma and grandpa's longer. She got to see her brother one day - just long enough to hold him and dad to take a picture —then Other Grandma took the baby back and it was up the road again — back to grandma and grandpa's.

She'd watch daddy come to grandma and grandpa's every morning: up the dirt road on the tractor. She loved grandma, but she missed home. She missed mom, and she was ready to be a big sister! Hadn't she waited long enough for that baby to come out? It seemed forever, but the day did come, and the family was all together.

Mommy was sad for awhile. She was tired. She'd been sick. Daddy thought she should have something extra nice for Christmas. Daddy said the locket was just the thing.

And it was.

Mom loved her present! Loved her husband and kids. Mom placed a picture of her girl on one side of the locket, and her new son on the other side.

As the years went by, the wispy blonde took notice, every time mom wore the locket. It was most striking in the winter, when she wore it over her sweaters. Beautiful mom, all ready to go to the big family Christmas, put on the locket to complete her look. Her daughter thought she was her loveliest every year at this time: walking into grandma's all dressed up and carrying her dish to pass. Of the grown-up women, she has the prettiest voice, the best laugh. Hand the baby cousins to mom when they cry and they settle down every time.

### 

The locket is in mom's jewelry box. She doesn't wear it anymore. The chain is broken. Time has faded it. The family has grown. The children have children. Seven of them! 

Her hair isn't so blonde, and she isn't so wispy. His hair is gray, and he isn't as tall. Yet once again, here they are, dad and daughter, conspiring to allow a delicate, golden clasp attempt to contain all of their love and appreciation for the woman who'd given them each other. The idea was perfect, and weird... and somehow that made it more perfect.

They'd have the chain repaired for Christmas. She'd know they were doing that. What she wouldn't know was that birthstones would light the new chain. Eight of them: four on each side of the locket. It worked out perfectly, as some of the family share birth months, so too they could share a stone. Just as this new generation of children had brought new color and life to the world, an array of color to light the way to the locket, and the beginning of it all.

Mom loved her present! The locket once again had it's place around her holiday neckline. Just as before, it's the perfect accent to her sweaters, and to her. 

###

Ten days before Christmas, they venture out on the coldest day of the month so far. He has the locket in his pocket. They haven't had much time together. Her work is keeping her busy, and the kids... wow! The kids are in everything and the car is racking up miles in record time. He's retired, to some degree. His son owns the farm now. The four youngest grandchildren are in and out of the house and barn regularly. The youngest of the four is a wispy blonde: middle name Lucille. 

It's not such a task as adding eight stones. Today, just one, smaller stone is needed. There are January great-grandbabies to be accounted for. The locket has been worn recently, and rests in a prominent place on the dresser. It must be returned, or mom would be on to her husband and daughter. 

Off to the jewelers, and to lunch. She has to work until 2, there is time. We'll have fun, and get some things done! One last stop at the store, and home we will go - victorious! 

Mom finds them in the candy aisle. Guess who got out of work early? Oh dear! We're getting dog food, mom, see you at home! 

Oh dad, we have to check out fast and get the necklace back on her dresser! She'll figure it out! Straight to the checkout they go. Of all the times to run into the neighbors... who have realized they've rung up quite a bill! The neighbors decide to apply for a credit card to save 10% and as dad and daughter wait under a facade of patience while exchanging incredulous glances, mom speeds through the checkout aisle right beside them. Ooooh the goose may be cooked!

Finally, the transaction is complete and they are headed home! Surely, they cannot beat her there, but OH!! She stopped at a drive-thru for a cup of coffee. Daughter wonders if mom is just giving them time to complete their mission. She knows... darn it! She always knows! You cannot trick her, and you — a grown woman — are still a horrible liar. Dad's not so concerned. She may have an idea what we are up to, but she doesn't know what we've done. 

The necklace is back in it's place. The new gem will be added when the perfect opportunity presents itself. The family timeline happening along mom's neckline remains beautifully current.

###

More stones are added as the years come and go. More great-grand babies, more color along the chain. With every child comes another mission of love for dad and daughter. Lucy's locket brought more joy and love with every cycle of it's being stolen, enhanced, and gifted anew.

The youngest granddaughter is now a lovely woman in her own right. Beautiful, independent and spirited with a sense of mirth and mischief that brings so much life and laughter into her grandmother's world; she sits beside Lucy and hears the tale of the locket. They laugh over the adventures of dad and daughter, whom every time thought they had pulled the wool over mother's eyes, but she always had a sense of their plotting. They really weren't very good liars at all, neither of them. 

The time has come, Lu. The mission is now ours. Let's go to the jewelers. 

They go and give their instructions. 

They return to collect three boxes. This Christmas, it's their turn to bring the element of surprise to the family affair. 

The daughter opens one of the boxes. A bracelet? With the stones - the stones of her family. The son watches his wife open her box. A bracelet, with the stones, all the stones of their family. 

The locket, you ask? Why, it has a new chain, and a new neckline to dazzle. Lively Lu carries the childhood pictures of her aunt and her dad. Her sparkling eyes reflect the glow from her grandma's face. 

Grandpa sends the littlest of the littles with a small box for grandma. Her slightly bewildered look is well worth the price of the bracelet inside...

Checking the Grip

Have Faith in the Plan.
One must always have faith in the plan, even when the plan seems askew, or illogical.

People have a tendency to cling tightly to their plans. The internal compass points North, and we endeavor to remain trained on that mark. We hold fast to the direction, and in this day and age, seem duty bound to speed to our destinations.

Why?

What is the hurry?

Is it because the only way we are going to find real rest, true peace, is to lay lifeless in a box?
I actually do think that sometimes. No kidding, when I die, FINALLY... there will be no more rounds of kitchen cleaning, no more endless laundry. Why did I ever think...?

I didn't.

When I became a wife and mother, I did not picture that my life would be an infinite cycle of dishes and laundry. I didn't know "Mother" equals "Servant." I didn't know that when you possess the only mature vagina in a household, you are expected to do everything no one else wants to... because it is important they get their requisite television viewing and vegging out time.

I didn't know being a wife and mother meant being a dumpster.

My true North still exists, and this... loop... I am in, just isn't it.

Photo Credit: Becky Ivett (Beautiful Life Images)

I've been thinking today about Holding the Reins. Like riding a horse, or steering anything with two hands, really. You can relax your grip without letting go of the direction, right? When you relax, you are called to trust more. Relaxing allows for the possibility of the path changing. It means you may see things you wouldn't have otherwise.

However, if you drop a rein, you may spend a bit of time going in circles.

Like, endless loops...

Up and Over

I'm no marathoner. I'm not a flashy yogini. I like to do a lot of things, and I am mostly average or slightly below par in most of them.

I've learned to run. I'm not fast. For me, being able to run 3-5 miles without losing my breath is a BIG deal! I couldn't do that as a teenager. With age, I've learned about pacing. With time, I've learned the value of intentions.

There've been a lot of "I" statements in this post so far. Not all of this is about me. Some of it is about YOU.

You who struggle.

You who have bad days.

You who ask for prayers.

You who keep fighting - though your income has dipped or your relationship falters...

Yep. Some of my running is for you.

Up and over this hill. Not a steep incline. A gradual one. One that on hot or particularly blustery days, can seem endless.

When I know you are struggling, I take you with me.

I call to you, "C'mon! C'mon! Don't you see the top? Let's get it!"

I take the boy who beat cancer and the one who's almost there on every climb. Sometimes, I take the wife of a police officer, or the single mom, or the single dad. Lately I've added the drug addicts and their families. Sometimes I take a whole farm (and all the farms!) with me. Sometimes I take the teachers, the administrators, the aides of special needs kids, the special needs kids, my kids, my family... the dog I saw that came up missing (I sometimes figure my dog, Storm, has that one's back on that particular outing).

There's a whole team at my back and do you know what?

WE make it over this hill EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Believe me. You were there. Did you feel it? I always ask on the way back down. I hope you feel as empowered as I do. You see, I needed you, as much as you needed me.

That's the point.

Ridiculous

Do you think?
If it were your child bearing that label, would you be so quick to use it describe every negative thing in your life?

Ankles, Tendons and Heels, OH MY!

This has not made it into my blog, so could be a long story, but I guess I will just jump right into the middle. Yoga really brought me into a healthier state of being - mentally and physically. Yoga acted as a gateway to wanting to be and feel healthier, happier, fitter, all of the time, in every way.

Indoor yoga made me want to take yoga outdoors. Outdoor yoga made me want to take walks outside… walking led to running. Slow running led to faster running…

Faster running led to re-injuring my ankle, re-igniting plantar fasciitis, and igniting Achilles Tendonitis.

I was yoga-ing less, and feeling the burn much more!

Now, for real, I'm a flexible person. I have had a very hard time with understanding what this pose was actually supposed to do. That's where I was, on the floor, exploring this pose, and asking myself 'what is this pose even about?'
Then….

*POP!*

My toes tingled, something felt different… No Way, right? Not after months of rehab, strength and all of these therapies, right?

Yep. The answer was (and continues to be) Half Happy Baby Pose.
I do this pose daily and sometimes several times a day to keep whatever that-thing-is-in-the-back-of-my-leg where it is supposed to be.
Now, there is still work and healing to be done. My heel still feels bruised sometimes. I have to rest and keep re-aliging with this pose. The thing I have learned, though, is that no matter where my healthy living intentions and habits take me, I cannot ever leave my yoga practice.

Namaste ;-)

Do Just What You Need

Being self-sacrificing is not noble, it is wasteful.
In time, you will waste away to someone you do not even realize.
You will forget who you were, what you like, what you did…
before you started giving everything to everyone else!

Am I saying you should do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it?
No.
I'm saying, you must tune in to you, and do just what you need.

You do not need to spend money on frivolous things. You need to listen.

Simple, healthy, happy 

If there is one thing yoga has taught me, it is to listen, to myself and also to others.
When you first start listening to yourself, you might hear a lot of noise.
If you do, it's probably because you haven't listened to yourself in a long while!

When all of that is sifted out, you will hear what you really need.
It's probably not what you think.
I really, truly, and willing to bet you will be surprised.

Wanna  know what my soul needed today?
It's not a winning lottery ticket, or a vacation, or a new house…

It's hot water with an orange slice in an attractive mug.
Yep, kid you not!

So guess what? I took five minutes to make that.
Is it decadent? No.
Does it feel like a treat? Yes.
Do I deserve it? Absolutely!
Do I need it? Actually, yes! We all need more water.

If I hadn't really listened - I would have gone for chocolate, or something more decadent.
Maybe I would have thought I needed more clothes, or more music… or something.
But I know I need nice water. And a happy slice of citrus - I'd like my hydration with some sunshine, please.

What do you need? What will soothe your soul? What makes you feel nourished, loved, and cared for?
Listen carefully.

The Perfection in "Imperfection"

This post is about the transgender community.

If you are sick of reading about it, shuffle on.
If reading about anything that isn't your opinion will inflame you, please don't waste your time here.

This is my thought. It could be a wrong thought, I don't know. I'm just putting it here for others to consider. I don't think I can be convinced of anything aside from this just yet.

I can understand what it is to feel like you are one thing on the inside, and something different on the outside. It makes sense! We are all on that journey in some way or another: to try to find inner peace and achieve some sense of balance in our lives.

Those that comprise the transgender community are faced with this challenge at the highest level. What makes it worse, I think, is that we live in a society that makes it seem as though you must be one gender or the other.

My question is… Why?

Why?

If you feel one gender internally and physically express the opposite gender - what if you worked to embrace and incorporate both?

Wouldn't that be beautiful?

What if you aren't "trapped?" What if you simply and beautifully contain ALL?

What if you are ALL - ALL in one body, mind and spirit?

The amount of surgery and trauma these forms are sometimes choosing to undergo in order to conform to one gender or the other truly concerns me. When people go through multiple procedures to change their appearance for aesthetic reasons, we wonder if they have body dysmorphic disorder. The health implications  — both short and long term — are frightening. If society simply embraced people who embody both genders, would our transgender people still feel compelled to subject themselves to these of multiple, intense, elective procedures?

Perhaps we won't know until there is acceptance. Societal acceptance AND personal acceptance.

Isn't that what we are ALL after?

The Despair from the Compare

"I don't know why other people complain about blue fuzzy socks. I happen to love blue fuzzy socks and I intend to enjoy them every day!" Does anyone else get a little twinge when they hear or read statements such as this?

Are you reading between the lines here?
The implied "because I am a fantastic person and I am going to make you believe it by running down anyone and their brother who might have an alternate viewpoint."
You see, because if the fictional quoted person weren't having such huge self esteem issues, they'd simply say "I love fuzzy blue socks and I intend to enjoy them every day!"
You don't need to be better than anyone else to be great.
It's just not the point.
The point is to be the best YOU possible.
Not a YOU that is better than THEM.
And FYI? THEY are pretty great too. They may not think like you, they may struggle… and that may very well be exactly what makes them great.

Time to Punch Out and be Mom

The moment when your allergy-suffering kid, enwreathed in used tissues, gazes up at you with hound dog eyes and says, "cuddle with me, mama. I think I just blew my brains out."

Keeping the Light On

The power of one's inner light to guide a life's course is only as strong as its protector. There are moments when the winds of change blow, and the fresh air feeds the flame. There are other moments when the winds of change blow from the wrong direction, and threaten to snuff out that flame.

The difficulty often lies in knowing which is which. We can shield the light from the breeze, or we can allow the fresh air to feed the flame and encourage it to burn brighter. While there may be no definitive way to know which is which, yet there is strength in knowing the choice is always yours.

Perhaps the guiding principle to remember is how we often raise our hands in gestures of self protection out of fear. Inhaling deep breaths of oxygen usually means we are preparing to be brave. Regardless, refusal to direct a flame in any way often results in a candle that burns unevenly.

You Don't Need to Complete Me.

Remember this moment? This moment in this movie when this hot guy whose been a total jerk has his come to mama moment and realizes he isn't complete without his lady love?

I've decided this is a giant load of crap.

You do not need another human to complete you. You first need to be a whole and complete human yourself — a standalone — and then you find the connections that compliment you. Notice I said "connections," because I don't think your spouse needs to be your best friend either.

Wouldn't it stink to find out you completed a shallow, selfish fool?

No thanks!

Why fuse, when you can simply pair nicely?

Persistence, Faith, Determination and Love

Running has become a thing for me. I don't know precisely the reason why. I walked for years, and maybe it just became time to go faster. Maybe it was because I started donating blood to a little boy with leukemia, and I was determined to make the best blood I could possibly make for him.

Yeah, that last one had an awful lot to do with it. I started taking vitamins right around then too. Now I know two young boys fighting for their lives. It is amazing how wanting them to be healthy so badly has made me more healthy too. The side-effects of good intentions I guess?

Then, there is that whole thing about staring down the 40 door…
I wanted to be able to run a 5K without losing my breath. Turns out I can run about 4.5 miles without losing my breath!

Which leads to this:

I was tired this morning. Christmas is kicking my butt this year! And work, and volunteering and parenting (which directly translates to TONS of appointments and extra-curricular running!) I've got a cold. I am WIPED out. But I ran today anyway. 2.5 miles. So tired, I forgot to stretch my tight hip before I went out the door. So scattered, I forgot my ankle brace (which is a BIG no-no!)!

I ran on snowy roads in sneakers that aren't made for snow running. But I went.

I was asking for trouble and taking foolish chances born of illness, exhaustion an overtaxed mind.

So I went carefully. I chanted to my boys, battling such horrible beasts. I willed them (and myself) to keep on.

Now, for the rest of the day, nothing will be difficult. 

It's a two-and-a-half-mile pep talk. Everyday. The image above appeared in my mind as I went. 

A friend told be about something huge that has little chance for success. I am willing that huge thing to happen. I was afraid when I heard about it. I feared the worst. But today… today I'm focused on that chance. That chance that it will work! 

When you want something bad enough, all you really need is a chance, right?

I'm glad I took my chances today. Everything turned out fine, and I am better off for the effort. 

Persist at your goals and have faith that you will learn as you persist! Be determined to live true to your intentions and do everything out of love: for yourself and love for the lives you impact.

Choices

There are loads of people in the world who make bad choices. That would actually be all of us at one time or another. The wiser of us quickly realize our bad choices can really hurt other people and we try not to make them. Sometimes it is easier to make bad choices when the victim will be some faceless person you are not likely to ever encounter.

Today, I am that faceless person.

The choice someone made wasn't deadly, just stupid and thoughtless. As I cleaned up their mess, I realized how lacking in care this person (or judging by the size of the mess, four people) actually must be. So, to the person or people who made me choose road cleanup instead of a relaxing cool-down walk after my jog, I offer the next few words.

MAKE BETTER CHOICES

1. Smoking kills. Both Marlboro and Seneca will cause the same result. I hope you weren't arguing on my favorite road about which brand is better. They are both equally toxic.
2. So does McDonald's, Wendy's and Burger King — where I see by your receipt you spent $11 and got some change that you didn't manage to toss out your window. What? No tip for the clean-up crew?
3. Pepsi will increase your chances of becoming diabetic (and a host of other things), ah yes, perhaps this is my five-cent tip?

Clearly, you must be in pretty bad shape, as it was too much effort to find a trash can within which to dispose of your crap. Perhaps your poor choices are caused by lack of oxygen to the brain from all the fast food and smoking. Maybe you should consult your doctor. A nice regime of healthy eating and walking might cure a lot of your ails, and give you time to notice how ugly litter looks along the side of a beautiful dirt road.

In the mean time, you are welcome. Oh, and uh, good luck with those scratch-off lottery tickets. Maybe if you win, you will be able to afford trash service.

There's This Kid I Know...

He is five years old. His name is Brett and this past December, he was diagnosed with AML-FLT3. I have learned a lot about those six letters and that nasty little number in the past few months. If you don't happen to be in the loop, they stand for a really wicked form of leukemia that requires multiple rounds of chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant to stand a chance of recovering.

It is a scary, scary journey. This little boy and his family have endured so much in the past six months. His mom is my friend, and she amazes me with her seemingly endless energy and ability to fight, nurse, love and still parent ALL of her three children! Her husband is withstanding all of this quite remarkably too - they are a strong family. You can find out more (and aid their fight!) by visiting their website: http://brettsbunch.wix.com/brettsbunch

Sandy called today to fill me on on another family's battle. She is very worried about another little boy, who was also an AML patient and is now a survivor! However, today that 11-year-old child suffered a stroke. I'm sure you can imagine, as I do, that his body is probably quite worn after such an intense battle with cancer.

Brett is recovering from a bone marrow transplant currently. He is doing well! But there is concern in our hearts for this other family and this other boy who is now fighting to recover in a new way.

Oddly, it is not fear I feel, but gratitude.

Not for this child (or any child's!) suffering. No. I wish that never happened.

I feel gratitude for open eyes - my own, first and foremost.

Tunnel vision happens. We get bogged down in our own lives, and think we do not have time or energy to help anyone else. You see charity organizations begging for time and finances on television or in your digital travels and think you are too stretched to help or your efforts will be wasted by some corrupt organization, and you pass it by. We all do it, and we as individuals cannot support all of the myriad causes there are to support!

But there is always something that can be done, and there is always something YOU can do.

For me, it's blood donation. Since Brett got sick, I've gone every 56 days to Roswell Park to direct blood donations to my favorite little superhero. Doing this, I've found, benefits me just as much as it (hopefully!) benefits Brett! I take better care of myself. I drink more water. I take a daily vitamin that I just could not remember to take with any sort of regularity before this child got sick. Now, I am like clockwork. My whole reason for doing this is to make REALLY good blood for Brett!

I've decided, even when Brett doesn't need my blood anymore, someone else will. I will keep on being a blood donor. Because now I know there are always families out there with a kid waging war on an enemy within. There is always a parent trying to be brave while hoping and praying for a miracle. There is always a community in the shadows with their hearts open and their energies directed at clearing the way for the miracle they deeply believe will happen for their intended.

Closing our eyes to these circumstances doesn't make them any less real. Looking back, I think I've partly shut them out because I was afraid of the fear and the pain of joining what on the surface may look like a losing battle. What I've learned is, when it is your friend, your community… the fear and pain in NOT acting is far more intense! I have to wait 56 days between blood donations. 56 days feels like an eternity! I have even tried to convince the donor center I am strong enough to do it more often (that doesn't work, just FYI).

Acting, giving, DOING creates hope, power and love! Don't get me wrong, tears are created too. Lots of them, and some are fear tears. But some are tears of amazement, and overwhelming pride when you see others acting, doing and helping to support your cause in amazing ways.

Not all of us are created to dash into burning buildings and save trapped babies, but ALL OF US have the ability to reach out in some capacity. It's not about having the time or not having the time, it is about having the choice to Make the Time.

A Little Bit Autistic

We're planning our first ever family vacation. It's coming up so fast! We'll be on our way to Florida before we know it. We've planned it in a rush, because some people just don't do well with waiting and planning for things. As such, like all things that happen in a rush, issues are coming up that we may end up paying for months after this little adventure has concluded.

This isn't really my style at all. I am a planner. I try not to do things I do not KNOW with all certainty I have the time, energy and resources to take on.

It could be said, I am wholly lacking in spontenaity. I wouldn't be offended.

SO, as these things crop up, the hair on the back of my neck is also beginning to appear as vertical to their follicles. I've been told by several to chill out. Relax... it's a once in a lifetime thing... and for one of my children, it might be the only good thing they ever experience in their lives, so I should just do everything I can to make the most of it.

Yah, did you get that? I believe the quote was:

"She's not going to have much to look forward to in her life."

or maybe it was

"She's not going to have a very happy life."

I have to remember that it is the words I hate, not the person who said them.

High-fiving a friend for a job well done!

Meanwhile, the person whose life is apparently already over in some minds, is making some really big gains in mine. She has not identified with the Autism diagnosis in the past, because others she knows to be Autistic are more severely affected than her. It makes sense, really. If you don't act like the people you are told are Autistic, how can you BE Autistic yourself?

I haven't pushed this. It's more important she knows WHO she is than what others classify her to be.

It would seem that she is starting to understand the spectrum that is Autism. I've talked to her about Temple Grandin, and we've even connected to a young woman on the spectrum who is beginning her career as an ABA therapist! There are SO many positive role models who are also Autistic!

Last night at bedtime, she asked me about Autism. She asked me what causes it, and then "am I a little bit Autistic, mom?"

I was honest.

She said "I don't want to be Autistic! This is just... ridiculous."

Hmmm... yep, it does feel ridiculous sometimes. Why my baby? Why my friends' children. WHY anyone? Ouch. It's scary. The future is scary, because there are so many more unknowns than for most mainstream children.

But you know, I didn't tell her she wasn't going to have a very happy life. I didn't tell her she had nothing to look forward to. I told her she is amazing. I told her I love her. I said "you have already done so much more than anyone thought you could do! You grow and surprise us all of the time, and you will never stop growing and surprising us. You can do anything you want to do. Remember this honey, you may be different, but that doesn't mean you matter less."

You see, as her mother, it is impossible for me to believe her future is bleak. I did not bring this child into the world to suffer. I'll be damned if she will not thrive. Hopeless talk hits me like a rock in my chest at first, and then (pardon the language) it just pisses me off. Her life is far from over. She is headed ever upwards and I WILL do everything I can to make that statement ring true over and over, year after year, until the time comes when I am not physically here to do so AND THEN I intend to use whatever earthbound energy God sees fit to give me to sit on the shoulder of my children (because there is one not on the spectrum who I feel just as strongly for) and continue to whisper "you can, you Can, you CAN, YOU CAN, YOU WILL!!!" in their ears every single day until they draw their last earthly breaths and our spirits are finally rejoined in the ether of time and space.

Over the years, her teachers and therapists and I (and of course, my Little Miss) have worked together and found key after key and unlocked door after door and brought this child further and further out of her cocoon and into the light of being. The keys are coming slower these days, but they do still come. If you want to focus on tragedy and lost potential, I guess that is your choice, but I see miracles. I see potential. I see wide open space in which ANYTHING is possible - things we can't even imagine!

DO NOT pity us. DO NOT PITY MY CHILD. By being unbound by the constraints of mainstream society, her potential becomes BOUNDLESS. I'd advise you to take a big, deep breath; sit back; and prepare to be completely astounded.

A Crossroads

There comes a point in life, when you realize your worth. When you decide, you simply are not going to settle for being placed in a position that makes others comfortable, but doesn't utilize your own strengths and skills. It's not OK to be shoved in a corner. It is NEVER OK to allow yourself to be shoved in a corner, when you are meant to shine!

That said, it is also not really OK to assert yourself where you are not wanted, either. It's not fair to you, not fair to those you are imposing yourself upon. It's just time to go. Sometimes, it means letting go of things you always wanted to be part of your world. That makes it really hard. Sometimes, it means accepting that the people you most wanted to SEE you, to accept you and appreciate you are never going to. It means being ready to open your arms and your heart to the people who DO see you, who do appreciate you, who do accept you. Not easy, is it?

The great thing about the man without a country, is that he can choose to make ANY country his own! The same is true when you are pushed out of a "nest" you always thought you'd call a home. You have wings... don't be afraid to use them. It's time for flight, observation, and finding a new place for your heart to dwell.