Doubt

So much doubt. So much confusion and mistrust. My path is not the same as most, it seems. I haven't been a nine-to-fiver for years, and it seems that world... either doesn't want me or I just am not right for it... I don't know. I can't imagine being gone all day, full time, from my home. Not yet. As I watch my family sit, plugged in to their video games and devices, I know what I would come home to.

Everything I currently try to accomplish during the day — still waiting for me.

Common belief is that I do not make enough money. Not everyone believes in budgeting or self-restraint. Some want the easy way - the 'just throw more money at it' way. More and more and more and more money and the problem is - when you keep throwing money at a bottomless pit, you never do fill it.

So following the path I am on is not easy for me. I do what I love, but part of it has to be done while the kids are home - after school - and very little is accomplished while I am gone. The kids will complete chores that I designate for them while I am away (at least they did last week - that was the first time I asked!), but nothing gets done that I don't outline. If this house is a ship, it seems I do not have a first mate.

And it's a total crapshoot - this yoga thing! This is crazy. Totally crazy. You can't count on people to dedicate themselves to class. How on earth do you expect this to be a living? I doubt it is even possible. I think I need a "real job."

The Real Job I have pays nothing, and aside from yoga, the real jobs I want are nowhere near here... and I'm so outdated... I doubt I can get them anyway.

Doubt. So much doubt...

You don't have to be cruel to be kind.

While Autism rates are climbing, there are still many who have not had a whole lot of interaction with people in this community. It is a spectrum, for sure. One thing to remember is that a BIG piece of the Autistic mind lies in social misunderstanding. Autistics can miss so many social cues... but you know what? Their loved ones don't.

So, if you befriend someone on the spectrum, get ready to be honest. I mean HONEST. Because sometimes they will love you too much. Sometimes, they won't love you enough. They may say things that don't come out the way they intend, and sound really funny or maybe really hurtful. Sometimes language skills are not on par with yours.

Your friend may not smell good all of the time. Showering may not be important to them. They may not take care of their hair the way you wish they would. They may not know how, or it may feel painful to them to manage it. They may not have much fashion sense. Maybe you don't like the things they are still fascinated by. Let me just tell you here, that your feelings are OK. People change.

Here's the thing: you can be a HUGE help. If this is your peer and that person really admires you, take some time and tell and/or show them what it takes to get that gorgeous hair. If they don't smell so good, you can say so. A good friend would. You don't have to be mean, but you could ask "did you remember to use deodorant today?" If the friend says they forgot, you might say "I like when you remember to use deodorant, you always smell great when you do!"

Let me tell you what doesn't help. Ignoring doesn't help. Vanishing from their side without any explanation doesn't help. I get wanting to run away. I get not wanting to say things that might hurt someone else. But guess what? Your friend may not ever realize you need a break, or even that something is wrong and if they do, they may not be able to accept it without your help. Many Autistics focus with high intensity on an incredibly limited number of things. It is hard to be in that spotlight all of the time. If you are, realize that you are likely on a pedestal. You can do no wrong, even if the way you are treating your friend really isn't right. Other people may even try to point out that what you are doing probably means an end to the relationship, but that information will hit a brick wall.

This post is solely about my experience. It is written with a lot of love. Not all experiences will be like mine. So if you are Autistic and reading this and NONE of this describes you, I understand. Your friends will never need this insight, but others will. I hope this is helpful.

Lucy's Locket

This is a true story... mostly. 
As I peer through the glass of the present into the past, the vision has a lovely haze that softens the view into something so perfectly Rockwell... and I'm just fine with that. As for the ending, well, the ending hasn't happened yet. So in this space, it can be as I dream it. Enjoy.

A single, little stool in front of the glass counter swings from side-to-side as the wispy blonde of four upon it twists her center of gravity to and fro. Her eyes are on a thing of beauty beneath the glass: shining gold. An oval - she'd just learned the name of that shape and she loved it! Pretty swirly things all around the edges. Her dad had said that they were looking for a necklace for her mom and this... locket. He called it a locket as he spoke to the man behind the counter. When she'd pointed to it, he said he thought she'd found the perfect Christmas gift for her mom.

They were going to put her name on it. Right in the middle of all of those pretty, swirly things, it would say "Lucy." How long would it take? The grown-ups blurry words drift through her mind as she studies the shiny chain and thinks with excitement about giving it to her mom.

The ride home is about how to keep a secret. No Telling until Christmas. The year had been a difficult one for mom. Little brother's arrival had not been easy. Mom had gotten sick, and had to stay in the hospital, even though the baby had come home. She'd had to stay at grandma and grandpa's longer. She got to see her brother one day - just long enough to hold him and dad to take a picture —then Other Grandma took the baby back and it was up the road again — back to grandma and grandpa's.

She'd watch daddy come to grandma and grandpa's every morning: up the dirt road on the tractor. She loved grandma, but she missed home. She missed mom, and she was ready to be a big sister! Hadn't she waited long enough for that baby to come out? It seemed forever, but the day did come, and the family was all together.

Mommy was sad for awhile. She was tired. She'd been sick. Daddy thought she should have something extra nice for Christmas. Daddy said the locket was just the thing.

And it was.

Mom loved her present! Loved her husband and kids. Mom placed a picture of her girl on one side of the locket, and her new son on the other side.

As the years went by, the wispy blonde took notice, every time mom wore the locket. It was most striking in the winter, when she wore it over her sweaters. Beautiful mom, all ready to go to the big family Christmas, put on the locket to complete her look. Her daughter thought she was her loveliest every year at this time: walking into grandma's all dressed up and carrying her dish to pass. Of the grown-up women, she has the prettiest voice, the best laugh. Hand the baby cousins to mom when they cry and they settle down every time.

### 

The locket is in mom's jewelry box. She doesn't wear it anymore. The chain is broken. Time has faded it. The family has grown. The children have children. Seven of them! 

Her hair isn't so blonde, and she isn't so wispy. His hair is gray, and he isn't as tall. Yet once again, here they are, dad and daughter, conspiring to allow a delicate, golden clasp attempt to contain all of their love and appreciation for the woman who'd given them each other. The idea was perfect, and weird... and somehow that made it more perfect.

They'd have the chain repaired for Christmas. She'd know they were doing that. What she wouldn't know was that birthstones would light the new chain. Eight of them: four on each side of the locket. It worked out perfectly, as some of the family share birth months, so too they could share a stone. Just as this new generation of children had brought new color and life to the world, an array of color to light the way to the locket, and the beginning of it all.

Mom loved her present! The locket once again had it's place around her holiday neckline. Just as before, it's the perfect accent to her sweaters, and to her. 

###

Ten days before Christmas, they venture out on the coldest day of the month so far. He has the locket in his pocket. They haven't had much time together. Her work is keeping her busy, and the kids... wow! The kids are in everything and the car is racking up miles in record time. He's retired, to some degree. His son owns the farm now. The four youngest grandchildren are in and out of the house and barn regularly. The youngest of the four is a wispy blonde: middle name Lucille. 

It's not such a task as adding eight stones. Today, just one, smaller stone is needed. There are January great-grandbabies to be accounted for. The locket has been worn recently, and rests in a prominent place on the dresser. It must be returned, or mom would be on to her husband and daughter. 

Off to the jewelers, and to lunch. She has to work until 2, there is time. We'll have fun, and get some things done! One last stop at the store, and home we will go - victorious! 

Mom finds them in the candy aisle. Guess who got out of work early? Oh dear! We're getting dog food, mom, see you at home! 

Oh dad, we have to check out fast and get the necklace back on her dresser! She'll figure it out! Straight to the checkout they go. Of all the times to run into the neighbors... who have realized they've rung up quite a bill! The neighbors decide to apply for a credit card to save 10% and as dad and daughter wait under a facade of patience while exchanging incredulous glances, mom speeds through the checkout aisle right beside them. Ooooh the goose may be cooked!

Finally, the transaction is complete and they are headed home! Surely, they cannot beat her there, but OH!! She stopped at a drive-thru for a cup of coffee. Daughter wonders if mom is just giving them time to complete their mission. She knows... darn it! She always knows! You cannot trick her, and you — a grown woman — are still a horrible liar. Dad's not so concerned. She may have an idea what we are up to, but she doesn't know what we've done. 

The necklace is back in it's place. The new gem will be added when the perfect opportunity presents itself. The family timeline happening along mom's neckline remains beautifully current.

###

More stones are added as the years come and go. More great-grand babies, more color along the chain. With every child comes another mission of love for dad and daughter. Lucy's locket brought more joy and love with every cycle of it's being stolen, enhanced, and gifted anew.

The youngest granddaughter is now a lovely woman in her own right. Beautiful, independent and spirited with a sense of mirth and mischief that brings so much life and laughter into her grandmother's world; she sits beside Lucy and hears the tale of the locket. They laugh over the adventures of dad and daughter, whom every time thought they had pulled the wool over mother's eyes, but she always had a sense of their plotting. They really weren't very good liars at all, neither of them. 

The time has come, Lu. The mission is now ours. Let's go to the jewelers. 

They go and give their instructions. 

They return to collect three boxes. This Christmas, it's their turn to bring the element of surprise to the family affair. 

The daughter opens one of the boxes. A bracelet? With the stones - the stones of her family. The son watches his wife open her box. A bracelet, with the stones, all the stones of their family. 

The locket, you ask? Why, it has a new chain, and a new neckline to dazzle. Lively Lu carries the childhood pictures of her aunt and her dad. Her sparkling eyes reflect the glow from her grandma's face. 

Grandpa sends the littlest of the littles with a small box for grandma. Her slightly bewildered look is well worth the price of the bracelet inside...

Checking the Grip

Have Faith in the Plan.
One must always have faith in the plan, even when the plan seems askew, or illogical.

People have a tendency to cling tightly to their plans. The internal compass points North, and we endeavor to remain trained on that mark. We hold fast to the direction, and in this day and age, seem duty bound to speed to our destinations.

Why?

What is the hurry?

Is it because the only way we are going to find real rest, true peace, is to lay lifeless in a box?
I actually do think that sometimes. No kidding, when I die, FINALLY... there will be no more rounds of kitchen cleaning, no more endless laundry. Why did I ever think...?

I didn't.

When I became a wife and mother, I did not picture that my life would be an infinite cycle of dishes and laundry. I didn't know "Mother" equals "Servant." I didn't know that when you possess the only mature vagina in a household, you are expected to do everything no one else wants to... because it is important they get their requisite television viewing and vegging out time.

I didn't know being a wife and mother meant being a dumpster.

My true North still exists, and this... loop... I am in, just isn't it.

Photo Credit: Becky Ivett (Beautiful Life Images)

I've been thinking today about Holding the Reins. Like riding a horse, or steering anything with two hands, really. You can relax your grip without letting go of the direction, right? When you relax, you are called to trust more. Relaxing allows for the possibility of the path changing. It means you may see things you wouldn't have otherwise.

However, if you drop a rein, you may spend a bit of time going in circles.

Like, endless loops...

Up and Over

I'm no marathoner. I'm not a flashy yogini. I like to do a lot of things, and I am mostly average or slightly below par in most of them.

I've learned to run. I'm not fast. For me, being able to run 3-5 miles without losing my breath is a BIG deal! I couldn't do that as a teenager. With age, I've learned about pacing. With time, I've learned the value of intentions.

There've been a lot of "I" statements in this post so far. Not all of this is about me. Some of it is about YOU.

You who struggle.

You who have bad days.

You who ask for prayers.

You who keep fighting - though your income has dipped or your relationship falters...

Yep. Some of my running is for you.

Up and over this hill. Not a steep incline. A gradual one. One that on hot or particularly blustery days, can seem endless.

When I know you are struggling, I take you with me.

I call to you, "C'mon! C'mon! Don't you see the top? Let's get it!"

I take the boy who beat cancer and the one who's almost there on every climb. Sometimes, I take the wife of a police officer, or the single mom, or the single dad. Lately I've added the drug addicts and their families. Sometimes I take a whole farm (and all the farms!) with me. Sometimes I take the teachers, the administrators, the aides of special needs kids, the special needs kids, my kids, my family... the dog I saw that came up missing (I sometimes figure my dog, Storm, has that one's back on that particular outing).

There's a whole team at my back and do you know what?

WE make it over this hill EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Believe me. You were there. Did you feel it? I always ask on the way back down. I hope you feel as empowered as I do. You see, I needed you, as much as you needed me.

That's the point.

Ridiculous

Do you think?
If it were your child bearing that label, would you be so quick to use it describe every negative thing in your life?

The Despair from the Compare

"I don't know why other people complain about blue fuzzy socks. I happen to love blue fuzzy socks and I intend to enjoy them every day!" Does anyone else get a little twinge when they hear or read statements such as this?

Are you reading between the lines here?
The implied "because I am a fantastic person and I am going to make you believe it by running down anyone and their brother who might have an alternate viewpoint."
You see, because if the fictional quoted person weren't having such huge self esteem issues, they'd simply say "I love fuzzy blue socks and I intend to enjoy them every day!"
You don't need to be better than anyone else to be great.
It's just not the point.
The point is to be the best YOU possible.
Not a YOU that is better than THEM.
And FYI? THEY are pretty great too. They may not think like you, they may struggle… and that may very well be exactly what makes them great.

You Don't Need to Complete Me.

Remember this moment? This moment in this movie when this hot guy whose been a total jerk has his come to mama moment and realizes he isn't complete without his lady love?

I've decided this is a giant load of crap.

You do not need another human to complete you. You first need to be a whole and complete human yourself — a standalone — and then you find the connections that compliment you. Notice I said "connections," because I don't think your spouse needs to be your best friend either.

Wouldn't it stink to find out you completed a shallow, selfish fool?

No thanks!

Why fuse, when you can simply pair nicely?