You don't have to be cruel to be kind.

While Autism rates are climbing, there are still many who have not had a whole lot of interaction with people in this community. It is a spectrum, for sure. One thing to remember is that a BIG piece of the Autistic mind lies in social misunderstanding. Autistics can miss so many social cues... but you know what? Their loved ones don't.

So, if you befriend someone on the spectrum, get ready to be honest. I mean HONEST. Because sometimes they will love you too much. Sometimes, they won't love you enough. They may say things that don't come out the way they intend, and sound really funny or maybe really hurtful. Sometimes language skills are not on par with yours.

Your friend may not smell good all of the time. Showering may not be important to them. They may not take care of their hair the way you wish they would. They may not know how, or it may feel painful to them to manage it. They may not have much fashion sense. Maybe you don't like the things they are still fascinated by. Let me just tell you here, that your feelings are OK. People change.

Here's the thing: you can be a HUGE help. If this is your peer and that person really admires you, take some time and tell and/or show them what it takes to get that gorgeous hair. If they don't smell so good, you can say so. A good friend would. You don't have to be mean, but you could ask "did you remember to use deodorant today?" If the friend says they forgot, you might say "I like when you remember to use deodorant, you always smell great when you do!"

Let me tell you what doesn't help. Ignoring doesn't help. Vanishing from their side without any explanation doesn't help. I get wanting to run away. I get not wanting to say things that might hurt someone else. But guess what? Your friend may not ever realize you need a break, or even that something is wrong and if they do, they may not be able to accept it without your help. Many Autistics focus with high intensity on an incredibly limited number of things. It is hard to be in that spotlight all of the time. If you are, realize that you are likely on a pedestal. You can do no wrong, even if the way you are treating your friend really isn't right. Other people may even try to point out that what you are doing probably means an end to the relationship, but that information will hit a brick wall.

This post is solely about my experience. It is written with a lot of love. Not all experiences will be like mine. So if you are Autistic and reading this and NONE of this describes you, I understand. Your friends will never need this insight, but others will. I hope this is helpful.

A Little Bit Autistic

We're planning our first ever family vacation. It's coming up so fast! We'll be on our way to Florida before we know it. We've planned it in a rush, because some people just don't do well with waiting and planning for things. As such, like all things that happen in a rush, issues are coming up that we may end up paying for months after this little adventure has concluded.

This isn't really my style at all. I am a planner. I try not to do things I do not KNOW with all certainty I have the time, energy and resources to take on.

It could be said, I am wholly lacking in spontenaity. I wouldn't be offended.

SO, as these things crop up, the hair on the back of my neck is also beginning to appear as vertical to their follicles. I've been told by several to chill out. Relax... it's a once in a lifetime thing... and for one of my children, it might be the only good thing they ever experience in their lives, so I should just do everything I can to make the most of it.

Yah, did you get that? I believe the quote was:

"She's not going to have much to look forward to in her life."

or maybe it was

"She's not going to have a very happy life."

I have to remember that it is the words I hate, not the person who said them.

High-fiving a friend for a job well done!

Meanwhile, the person whose life is apparently already over in some minds, is making some really big gains in mine. She has not identified with the Autism diagnosis in the past, because others she knows to be Autistic are more severely affected than her. It makes sense, really. If you don't act like the people you are told are Autistic, how can you BE Autistic yourself?

I haven't pushed this. It's more important she knows WHO she is than what others classify her to be.

It would seem that she is starting to understand the spectrum that is Autism. I've talked to her about Temple Grandin, and we've even connected to a young woman on the spectrum who is beginning her career as an ABA therapist! There are SO many positive role models who are also Autistic!

Last night at bedtime, she asked me about Autism. She asked me what causes it, and then "am I a little bit Autistic, mom?"

I was honest.

She said "I don't want to be Autistic! This is just... ridiculous."

Hmmm... yep, it does feel ridiculous sometimes. Why my baby? Why my friends' children. WHY anyone? Ouch. It's scary. The future is scary, because there are so many more unknowns than for most mainstream children.

But you know, I didn't tell her she wasn't going to have a very happy life. I didn't tell her she had nothing to look forward to. I told her she is amazing. I told her I love her. I said "you have already done so much more than anyone thought you could do! You grow and surprise us all of the time, and you will never stop growing and surprising us. You can do anything you want to do. Remember this honey, you may be different, but that doesn't mean you matter less."

You see, as her mother, it is impossible for me to believe her future is bleak. I did not bring this child into the world to suffer. I'll be damned if she will not thrive. Hopeless talk hits me like a rock in my chest at first, and then (pardon the language) it just pisses me off. Her life is far from over. She is headed ever upwards and I WILL do everything I can to make that statement ring true over and over, year after year, until the time comes when I am not physically here to do so AND THEN I intend to use whatever earthbound energy God sees fit to give me to sit on the shoulder of my children (because there is one not on the spectrum who I feel just as strongly for) and continue to whisper "you can, you Can, you CAN, YOU CAN, YOU WILL!!!" in their ears every single day until they draw their last earthly breaths and our spirits are finally rejoined in the ether of time and space.

Over the years, her teachers and therapists and I (and of course, my Little Miss) have worked together and found key after key and unlocked door after door and brought this child further and further out of her cocoon and into the light of being. The keys are coming slower these days, but they do still come. If you want to focus on tragedy and lost potential, I guess that is your choice, but I see miracles. I see potential. I see wide open space in which ANYTHING is possible - things we can't even imagine!

DO NOT pity us. DO NOT PITY MY CHILD. By being unbound by the constraints of mainstream society, her potential becomes BOUNDLESS. I'd advise you to take a big, deep breath; sit back; and prepare to be completely astounded.