Doubt

So much doubt. So much confusion and mistrust. My path is not the same as most, it seems. I haven't been a nine-to-fiver for years, and it seems that world... either doesn't want me or I just am not right for it... I don't know. I can't imagine being gone all day, full time, from my home. Not yet. As I watch my family sit, plugged in to their video games and devices, I know what I would come home to.

Everything I currently try to accomplish during the day — still waiting for me.

Common belief is that I do not make enough money. Not everyone believes in budgeting or self-restraint. Some want the easy way - the 'just throw more money at it' way. More and more and more and more money and the problem is - when you keep throwing money at a bottomless pit, you never do fill it.

So following the path I am on is not easy for me. I do what I love, but part of it has to be done while the kids are home - after school - and very little is accomplished while I am gone. The kids will complete chores that I designate for them while I am away (at least they did last week - that was the first time I asked!), but nothing gets done that I don't outline. If this house is a ship, it seems I do not have a first mate.

And it's a total crapshoot - this yoga thing! This is crazy. Totally crazy. You can't count on people to dedicate themselves to class. How on earth do you expect this to be a living? I doubt it is even possible. I think I need a "real job."

The Real Job I have pays nothing, and aside from yoga, the real jobs I want are nowhere near here... and I'm so outdated... I doubt I can get them anyway.

Doubt. So much doubt...

You don't have to be cruel to be kind.

While Autism rates are climbing, there are still many who have not had a whole lot of interaction with people in this community. It is a spectrum, for sure. One thing to remember is that a BIG piece of the Autistic mind lies in social misunderstanding. Autistics can miss so many social cues... but you know what? Their loved ones don't.

So, if you befriend someone on the spectrum, get ready to be honest. I mean HONEST. Because sometimes they will love you too much. Sometimes, they won't love you enough. They may say things that don't come out the way they intend, and sound really funny or maybe really hurtful. Sometimes language skills are not on par with yours.

Your friend may not smell good all of the time. Showering may not be important to them. They may not take care of their hair the way you wish they would. They may not know how, or it may feel painful to them to manage it. They may not have much fashion sense. Maybe you don't like the things they are still fascinated by. Let me just tell you here, that your feelings are OK. People change.

Here's the thing: you can be a HUGE help. If this is your peer and that person really admires you, take some time and tell and/or show them what it takes to get that gorgeous hair. If they don't smell so good, you can say so. A good friend would. You don't have to be mean, but you could ask "did you remember to use deodorant today?" If the friend says they forgot, you might say "I like when you remember to use deodorant, you always smell great when you do!"

Let me tell you what doesn't help. Ignoring doesn't help. Vanishing from their side without any explanation doesn't help. I get wanting to run away. I get not wanting to say things that might hurt someone else. But guess what? Your friend may not ever realize you need a break, or even that something is wrong and if they do, they may not be able to accept it without your help. Many Autistics focus with high intensity on an incredibly limited number of things. It is hard to be in that spotlight all of the time. If you are, realize that you are likely on a pedestal. You can do no wrong, even if the way you are treating your friend really isn't right. Other people may even try to point out that what you are doing probably means an end to the relationship, but that information will hit a brick wall.

This post is solely about my experience. It is written with a lot of love. Not all experiences will be like mine. So if you are Autistic and reading this and NONE of this describes you, I understand. Your friends will never need this insight, but others will. I hope this is helpful.

Checking the Grip

Have Faith in the Plan.
One must always have faith in the plan, even when the plan seems askew, or illogical.

People have a tendency to cling tightly to their plans. The internal compass points North, and we endeavor to remain trained on that mark. We hold fast to the direction, and in this day and age, seem duty bound to speed to our destinations.

Why?

What is the hurry?

Is it because the only way we are going to find real rest, true peace, is to lay lifeless in a box?
I actually do think that sometimes. No kidding, when I die, FINALLY... there will be no more rounds of kitchen cleaning, no more endless laundry. Why did I ever think...?

I didn't.

When I became a wife and mother, I did not picture that my life would be an infinite cycle of dishes and laundry. I didn't know "Mother" equals "Servant." I didn't know that when you possess the only mature vagina in a household, you are expected to do everything no one else wants to... because it is important they get their requisite television viewing and vegging out time.

I didn't know being a wife and mother meant being a dumpster.

My true North still exists, and this... loop... I am in, just isn't it.

Photo Credit: Becky Ivett (Beautiful Life Images)

I've been thinking today about Holding the Reins. Like riding a horse, or steering anything with two hands, really. You can relax your grip without letting go of the direction, right? When you relax, you are called to trust more. Relaxing allows for the possibility of the path changing. It means you may see things you wouldn't have otherwise.

However, if you drop a rein, you may spend a bit of time going in circles.

Like, endless loops...

Up and Over

I'm no marathoner. I'm not a flashy yogini. I like to do a lot of things, and I am mostly average or slightly below par in most of them.

I've learned to run. I'm not fast. For me, being able to run 3-5 miles without losing my breath is a BIG deal! I couldn't do that as a teenager. With age, I've learned about pacing. With time, I've learned the value of intentions.

There've been a lot of "I" statements in this post so far. Not all of this is about me. Some of it is about YOU.

You who struggle.

You who have bad days.

You who ask for prayers.

You who keep fighting - though your income has dipped or your relationship falters...

Yep. Some of my running is for you.

Up and over this hill. Not a steep incline. A gradual one. One that on hot or particularly blustery days, can seem endless.

When I know you are struggling, I take you with me.

I call to you, "C'mon! C'mon! Don't you see the top? Let's get it!"

I take the boy who beat cancer and the one who's almost there on every climb. Sometimes, I take the wife of a police officer, or the single mom, or the single dad. Lately I've added the drug addicts and their families. Sometimes I take a whole farm (and all the farms!) with me. Sometimes I take the teachers, the administrators, the aides of special needs kids, the special needs kids, my kids, my family... the dog I saw that came up missing (I sometimes figure my dog, Storm, has that one's back on that particular outing).

There's a whole team at my back and do you know what?

WE make it over this hill EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Believe me. You were there. Did you feel it? I always ask on the way back down. I hope you feel as empowered as I do. You see, I needed you, as much as you needed me.

That's the point.

Ridiculous

Do you think?
If it were your child bearing that label, would you be so quick to use it describe every negative thing in your life?

Do Just What You Need

Being self-sacrificing is not noble, it is wasteful.
In time, you will waste away to someone you do not even realize.
You will forget who you were, what you like, what you did…
before you started giving everything to everyone else!

Am I saying you should do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it?
No.
I'm saying, you must tune in to you, and do just what you need.

You do not need to spend money on frivolous things. You need to listen.

Simple, healthy, happy 

If there is one thing yoga has taught me, it is to listen, to myself and also to others.
When you first start listening to yourself, you might hear a lot of noise.
If you do, it's probably because you haven't listened to yourself in a long while!

When all of that is sifted out, you will hear what you really need.
It's probably not what you think.
I really, truly, and willing to bet you will be surprised.

Wanna  know what my soul needed today?
It's not a winning lottery ticket, or a vacation, or a new house…

It's hot water with an orange slice in an attractive mug.
Yep, kid you not!

So guess what? I took five minutes to make that.
Is it decadent? No.
Does it feel like a treat? Yes.
Do I deserve it? Absolutely!
Do I need it? Actually, yes! We all need more water.

If I hadn't really listened - I would have gone for chocolate, or something more decadent.
Maybe I would have thought I needed more clothes, or more music… or something.
But I know I need nice water. And a happy slice of citrus - I'd like my hydration with some sunshine, please.

What do you need? What will soothe your soul? What makes you feel nourished, loved, and cared for?
Listen carefully.

The Perfection in "Imperfection"

This post is about the transgender community.

If you are sick of reading about it, shuffle on.
If reading about anything that isn't your opinion will inflame you, please don't waste your time here.

This is my thought. It could be a wrong thought, I don't know. I'm just putting it here for others to consider. I don't think I can be convinced of anything aside from this just yet.

I can understand what it is to feel like you are one thing on the inside, and something different on the outside. It makes sense! We are all on that journey in some way or another: to try to find inner peace and achieve some sense of balance in our lives.

Those that comprise the transgender community are faced with this challenge at the highest level. What makes it worse, I think, is that we live in a society that makes it seem as though you must be one gender or the other.

My question is… Why?

Why?

If you feel one gender internally and physically express the opposite gender - what if you worked to embrace and incorporate both?

Wouldn't that be beautiful?

What if you aren't "trapped?" What if you simply and beautifully contain ALL?

What if you are ALL - ALL in one body, mind and spirit?

The amount of surgery and trauma these forms are sometimes choosing to undergo in order to conform to one gender or the other truly concerns me. When people go through multiple procedures to change their appearance for aesthetic reasons, we wonder if they have body dysmorphic disorder. The health implications  — both short and long term — are frightening. If society simply embraced people who embody both genders, would our transgender people still feel compelled to subject themselves to these of multiple, intense, elective procedures?

Perhaps we won't know until there is acceptance. Societal acceptance AND personal acceptance.

Isn't that what we are ALL after?

The Despair from the Compare

"I don't know why other people complain about blue fuzzy socks. I happen to love blue fuzzy socks and I intend to enjoy them every day!" Does anyone else get a little twinge when they hear or read statements such as this?

Are you reading between the lines here?
The implied "because I am a fantastic person and I am going to make you believe it by running down anyone and their brother who might have an alternate viewpoint."
You see, because if the fictional quoted person weren't having such huge self esteem issues, they'd simply say "I love fuzzy blue socks and I intend to enjoy them every day!"
You don't need to be better than anyone else to be great.
It's just not the point.
The point is to be the best YOU possible.
Not a YOU that is better than THEM.
And FYI? THEY are pretty great too. They may not think like you, they may struggle… and that may very well be exactly what makes them great.

You Don't Need to Complete Me.

Remember this moment? This moment in this movie when this hot guy whose been a total jerk has his come to mama moment and realizes he isn't complete without his lady love?

I've decided this is a giant load of crap.

You do not need another human to complete you. You first need to be a whole and complete human yourself — a standalone — and then you find the connections that compliment you. Notice I said "connections," because I don't think your spouse needs to be your best friend either.

Wouldn't it stink to find out you completed a shallow, selfish fool?

No thanks!

Why fuse, when you can simply pair nicely?

A Note for My Daughters

I have one birth daughter, but feel that the young ladies coming up in the world after me are, in a sense, all my daughters. As such, I have an obligation, to share what I've learned, to tell you the truth, to show you what the view from there looks like from here, and vice-versa.

Thirty-eight seems like a lifetime away when you are 13, 18, 23... but honestly? It is a blink. The older you get, the faster it goes. Let me let you in on a little secret: Life ain't over when you hit 21. You are not old at 30. The reality is, your life, the life you will love and enjoy most, is only just beginning. You will have some realizations in your 30's that will absolutely floor you. You will regret some things from your youth, and you will celebrate some great things you didn't even know you did at the time.

Here's my advice to you:

1. Care for your skin as if you were already fighting wrinkles and sun damage. When you are at the age where you actually need to worry about wrinkles and sun damage, you will have less to worry about. In short, you do not need a tan.
2. Drink water. Please don't even talk to me about pop or alcohol! Forget your friends, your body is your TEMPLE, and will be with you long after your friends have moved on. Water is the perfect drink. Give thanks for it, and partake often. 

   

   No makeup at 38.
   You don't need it either Teen!

3. No makeup required. Wear it if you want, whatever. But one day, you will be comfortable in  your own skin. It is then you realize that your bright eyes don't need a frame of heavy lashes and eyeliner - maybe such beauty shouldn't be contained in painted frames anyway. 
4. Dress for school as you will one day dress for work. School is your job. If you do not plan to be a hooker when you grow up, please do not dress like one to go to your current job. Boys pay attention to hookers, boys also notice the young ladies who act like they have some self-respect. You will intimidate some. You will also save yourself some heartache.
5. Be nice to the people other people are not nice to. Some day, they will write you notes about kindnesses you extended that you do not even remember, and it will remind you that even your early years had meaning and value.
6. Don't curse in type. Don't post slutty pictures of yourself on the internet. It will get you attention, yes. But if you do this and then start whining about all the nasty boys who want to date you (and do way more than that, believe it!) you will get no pity from me.
7. If you want to repel adults and people who might one day seek to employ you, ignore #6.
8. Get outside. Life is short. Computers have a history. Phones have voicemail. Leave it all in the house and Get. Outside! Take a book or some things to draw with. Go for a walk, fly a kite, I do not care!!! Get outside and make some memories. When you are older and stuck in an office, you will have some stored happy to keep you smiling.
9. Your parents love you. Yep. I promise. You think they hate you because you can't go with so-and-so and stay out all night or whatever the stupid thing is they are making you do that irritates the crap out of you. Believe me, they are not trying to torture you (yes, I thought mine were torturing me too). Truth is, you scare them. You are beautiful and full of potential and the idea that something might in some way compromise that, scares them to death. As well it should. No one in this world will love you like they do, so suck it up and deal. A hug and a "thank you" from a child has never killed a parent either, just sayin'...
10. Your lumps, your bumps, your moles, your glasses, your teeth, your hair... oooooh honey. They are perfect. Just perfect! Stop worrying and breathe a little, would you please? Just because you do not hear "you are gorgeous" every day does not make it any less true. No one likes a conceited, self-absorbed little snot. Worry about being smarter, not thinner. Worry about if you are working hard enough to attain your goals, not if you are doing the right things to get the attention you think you need.

Ten guidelines may be a lot to remember, but you can come back and re-read them as often as you need. You know what? Sometimes I have to remind myself of them too. I love you. The universe Loves You. Be good to you and treat yourself right, OK?