Doubt

So much doubt. So much confusion and mistrust. My path is not the same as most, it seems. I haven't been a nine-to-fiver for years, and it seems that world... either doesn't want me or I just am not right for it... I don't know. I can't imagine being gone all day, full time, from my home. Not yet. As I watch my family sit, plugged in to their video games and devices, I know what I would come home to.

Everything I currently try to accomplish during the day — still waiting for me.

Common belief is that I do not make enough money. Not everyone believes in budgeting or self-restraint. Some want the easy way - the 'just throw more money at it' way. More and more and more and more money and the problem is - when you keep throwing money at a bottomless pit, you never do fill it.

So following the path I am on is not easy for me. I do what I love, but part of it has to be done while the kids are home - after school - and very little is accomplished while I am gone. The kids will complete chores that I designate for them while I am away (at least they did last week - that was the first time I asked!), but nothing gets done that I don't outline. If this house is a ship, it seems I do not have a first mate.

And it's a total crapshoot - this yoga thing! This is crazy. Totally crazy. You can't count on people to dedicate themselves to class. How on earth do you expect this to be a living? I doubt it is even possible. I think I need a "real job."

The Real Job I have pays nothing, and aside from yoga, the real jobs I want are nowhere near here... and I'm so outdated... I doubt I can get them anyway.

Doubt. So much doubt...

Checking the Grip

Have Faith in the Plan.
One must always have faith in the plan, even when the plan seems askew, or illogical.

People have a tendency to cling tightly to their plans. The internal compass points North, and we endeavor to remain trained on that mark. We hold fast to the direction, and in this day and age, seem duty bound to speed to our destinations.

Why?

What is the hurry?

Is it because the only way we are going to find real rest, true peace, is to lay lifeless in a box?
I actually do think that sometimes. No kidding, when I die, FINALLY... there will be no more rounds of kitchen cleaning, no more endless laundry. Why did I ever think...?

I didn't.

When I became a wife and mother, I did not picture that my life would be an infinite cycle of dishes and laundry. I didn't know "Mother" equals "Servant." I didn't know that when you possess the only mature vagina in a household, you are expected to do everything no one else wants to... because it is important they get their requisite television viewing and vegging out time.

I didn't know being a wife and mother meant being a dumpster.

My true North still exists, and this... loop... I am in, just isn't it.

Photo Credit: Becky Ivett (Beautiful Life Images)

I've been thinking today about Holding the Reins. Like riding a horse, or steering anything with two hands, really. You can relax your grip without letting go of the direction, right? When you relax, you are called to trust more. Relaxing allows for the possibility of the path changing. It means you may see things you wouldn't have otherwise.

However, if you drop a rein, you may spend a bit of time going in circles.

Like, endless loops...

Persistence, Faith, Determination and Love

Running has become a thing for me. I don't know precisely the reason why. I walked for years, and maybe it just became time to go faster. Maybe it was because I started donating blood to a little boy with leukemia, and I was determined to make the best blood I could possibly make for him.

Yeah, that last one had an awful lot to do with it. I started taking vitamins right around then too. Now I know two young boys fighting for their lives. It is amazing how wanting them to be healthy so badly has made me more healthy too. The side-effects of good intentions I guess?

Then, there is that whole thing about staring down the 40 door…
I wanted to be able to run a 5K without losing my breath. Turns out I can run about 4.5 miles without losing my breath!

Which leads to this:

I was tired this morning. Christmas is kicking my butt this year! And work, and volunteering and parenting (which directly translates to TONS of appointments and extra-curricular running!) I've got a cold. I am WIPED out. But I ran today anyway. 2.5 miles. So tired, I forgot to stretch my tight hip before I went out the door. So scattered, I forgot my ankle brace (which is a BIG no-no!)!

I ran on snowy roads in sneakers that aren't made for snow running. But I went.

I was asking for trouble and taking foolish chances born of illness, exhaustion an overtaxed mind.

So I went carefully. I chanted to my boys, battling such horrible beasts. I willed them (and myself) to keep on.

Now, for the rest of the day, nothing will be difficult. 

It's a two-and-a-half-mile pep talk. Everyday. The image above appeared in my mind as I went. 

A friend told be about something huge that has little chance for success. I am willing that huge thing to happen. I was afraid when I heard about it. I feared the worst. But today… today I'm focused on that chance. That chance that it will work! 

When you want something bad enough, all you really need is a chance, right?

I'm glad I took my chances today. Everything turned out fine, and I am better off for the effort. 

Persist at your goals and have faith that you will learn as you persist! Be determined to live true to your intentions and do everything out of love: for yourself and love for the lives you impact.

A Note for My Daughters

I have one birth daughter, but feel that the young ladies coming up in the world after me are, in a sense, all my daughters. As such, I have an obligation, to share what I've learned, to tell you the truth, to show you what the view from there looks like from here, and vice-versa.

Thirty-eight seems like a lifetime away when you are 13, 18, 23... but honestly? It is a blink. The older you get, the faster it goes. Let me let you in on a little secret: Life ain't over when you hit 21. You are not old at 30. The reality is, your life, the life you will love and enjoy most, is only just beginning. You will have some realizations in your 30's that will absolutely floor you. You will regret some things from your youth, and you will celebrate some great things you didn't even know you did at the time.

Here's my advice to you:

1. Care for your skin as if you were already fighting wrinkles and sun damage. When you are at the age where you actually need to worry about wrinkles and sun damage, you will have less to worry about. In short, you do not need a tan.
2. Drink water. Please don't even talk to me about pop or alcohol! Forget your friends, your body is your TEMPLE, and will be with you long after your friends have moved on. Water is the perfect drink. Give thanks for it, and partake often. 

   

   No makeup at 38.
   You don't need it either Teen!

3. No makeup required. Wear it if you want, whatever. But one day, you will be comfortable in  your own skin. It is then you realize that your bright eyes don't need a frame of heavy lashes and eyeliner - maybe such beauty shouldn't be contained in painted frames anyway. 
4. Dress for school as you will one day dress for work. School is your job. If you do not plan to be a hooker when you grow up, please do not dress like one to go to your current job. Boys pay attention to hookers, boys also notice the young ladies who act like they have some self-respect. You will intimidate some. You will also save yourself some heartache.
5. Be nice to the people other people are not nice to. Some day, they will write you notes about kindnesses you extended that you do not even remember, and it will remind you that even your early years had meaning and value.
6. Don't curse in type. Don't post slutty pictures of yourself on the internet. It will get you attention, yes. But if you do this and then start whining about all the nasty boys who want to date you (and do way more than that, believe it!) you will get no pity from me.
7. If you want to repel adults and people who might one day seek to employ you, ignore #6.
8. Get outside. Life is short. Computers have a history. Phones have voicemail. Leave it all in the house and Get. Outside! Take a book or some things to draw with. Go for a walk, fly a kite, I do not care!!! Get outside and make some memories. When you are older and stuck in an office, you will have some stored happy to keep you smiling.
9. Your parents love you. Yep. I promise. You think they hate you because you can't go with so-and-so and stay out all night or whatever the stupid thing is they are making you do that irritates the crap out of you. Believe me, they are not trying to torture you (yes, I thought mine were torturing me too). Truth is, you scare them. You are beautiful and full of potential and the idea that something might in some way compromise that, scares them to death. As well it should. No one in this world will love you like they do, so suck it up and deal. A hug and a "thank you" from a child has never killed a parent either, just sayin'...
10. Your lumps, your bumps, your moles, your glasses, your teeth, your hair... oooooh honey. They are perfect. Just perfect! Stop worrying and breathe a little, would you please? Just because you do not hear "you are gorgeous" every day does not make it any less true. No one likes a conceited, self-absorbed little snot. Worry about being smarter, not thinner. Worry about if you are working hard enough to attain your goals, not if you are doing the right things to get the attention you think you need.

Ten guidelines may be a lot to remember, but you can come back and re-read them as often as you need. You know what? Sometimes I have to remind myself of them too. I love you. The universe Loves You. Be good to you and treat yourself right, OK?